my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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