the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
my shit smells like andre
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
