Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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