I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
