I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
