only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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