cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
