I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
