I just threw up on my dentist
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
