If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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