I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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