he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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