someone threw a dead crab at me
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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