I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
