she woke up with a sticky ear
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
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