I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Help. Why am I so naked?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
