Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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