I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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