Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
