Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
