I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I am midnight drunk by noon
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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