Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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