my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I'm passing your future prison.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize