Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
