I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
