Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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