they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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