I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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