My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Randomize
