Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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