I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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