I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
