And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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