My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
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