Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
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