I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
