Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
