He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
