You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
