when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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