Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Randomize
