forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
