Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
