i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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