I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
It's not a walk of shame if you run
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
