I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
