My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
