I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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