I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Randomize
