I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
