We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
