I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize