What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
