It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
