i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
