After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
