I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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