She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I fill condoms, not promises.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
