dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Randomize
