I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
